Saturday, August 23, 2008

Why you should not go shopping with me...

And especially not for jeans. (I am sure my sister can attest to this)

So, I go to Old Navy with a friend of mine today - because they have jeans on sale for $12.99 today. I normally do not shop at Old Navy, in fact I can't stand it there. But one of my friends had been blogging about all this great stuff she bought there, so I thought I would check it out.

I walk in and immediately recognize that the clothes the carry have hardly changed since they opened their doors. When was that - 90 something? Same button down tops I wore in 99, same khakis, and seriously - same cheap quality. I wonder if they still carry those scarfs I used to wear? I am pretty sure Pinky Tuscadero was my nickname for a while there.

Anyway, I decide to scoot on over to the clearance rack, my little world of bargains, and start browsing around. I find some bathing suits - I am in desperate need of a new one - and find a super cute top that us well-endowed women can actually pull off. I was excited and started looking for bottoms that would at least blend with the top. We all know that when suits are sold separately, you have to get a little creative. Nothing. No Large bottoms. What is this? You think Barbie has this much trouble? No, because she has boobs, a small waist, and practically no ass. She would have had a field day on that rack.

Pouting, I go over to the clearance clothes to see what oddball top I can find that I will actually wear more than once. After dodging a few screaming kids, I actually ended up finding several cute tops and thought to myself, "Hey, maybe it's not so bad here." Then I headed over to the jeans.

The jeans section gives you three choices, similar to the three bears story: High waisted, low waisted and mid-rise. I figure I better stick with the mid-rise these days, I think I am getting a little too old for the low-rise. For the life of me, I cannot find a size 10 anywhere. Oh, except for the gray pair. I haven't worn colored jeans since the 80s, and I don't plan to anytime soon. So, my friend that was with me convinced me just to try on the low-waisted, "They're really not that low," she says. Ok, I figured I would give it the old college try.

Into the dressing room I venture, where some zit-faced kid with a headset shows me to a room. I think he even called me ma'am. Ugh. I hang up the shirts and go for the jeans first, might as well get those out of the way. After struggling to get them up my thighs, I get them buttoned and turn around. EEEWWWW!!! My ass looks like it was disfigured in a bad sledding accident, the back of the jeans gaped enough to hold a 2 liter, and my gut hung over like a plumber. To make matters worse, I am peeling off the jeans and hear the following in 2 different high-pitched whiney voices: "These are a 2, look how big they are!" and "I don't think they have a size 0 in these!". Seriously? Did I really need to hear that?

Lesson learned. I think I will stick to buying my DKNY Soho jeans on ebay in the privacy of my own home. I don't care if they make my ass the size of Texas, at least they look proportionate and the waist hits my gut in all the right places. My advice to any woman size 10 and over: STEER CLEAR of that place, it's not good for morale.

However, amidst the tragedy of the "Old Navy shopping experience", I did end up with 4 tank tops and a cute dog toy for 30 bucks.

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