Most days I sleep in...sometimes until 9am. I get up and have breakfast, make coffee, check my email and then jump in the shower. I take my time to get ready, because I can, and then I start my daily "work routine". I put away the dishes, throw in some laundry, straighten up the living room and kitchen, and by the time that is all said and done it's lunchtime!
Then I go surfing....on the internet....for jobs. This, my friends, is not the highlight of my day as one would expect. However, it has become my LEAST favorite thing to do. Not because there aren't many jobs out there, or that they don't pay enough...but I feel like I am doing it just to pass time and because the unemployment agency expects me to do it.
It is not as if I don't WANT a job, I do. I just want one that will make me feel whole again.
There are times when I feel as if I could have done something different and circumstances might have been more bearable in my past few jobs. Maybe I did something to deserve it. Maybe I just wasn't good enough. Maybe I am just being a spoiled brat. Or maybe.....
IT JUST WASN'T MY CALLING
It does not take long to figure it out once you talk your way through it, or even better, talk about it with someone who KNOWS your strengths and can see things clearly because they are looking in at your situation and not within it. I am not talking about having a "pity party", or an "oh poor me, feel sorry for me because this world has wronged me" conversation. I am talking about real, true and raw feelings. Tell it like it is. Tell someone what your true irrational fears and phony inadequacies are and DO NOT expect them to tell you that your wrong. You speak truth, and others will give it right back to you in the raw form from which you dealt it out.
The humility that comes out of the conversation will enlighten you....if you let it.
After letting myself drift off into my imaginary philosophical world where I am the Queen of the Soap Box, I wake up to find myself back on the pages of employment search engines. Ah, back to reality. I print out a few jobs that look semi-interesting so I can re-write my resume for the job. I open up my resume and stare at it. I close it back up. I go to Blogger and open up a New Post and stare at the screen. Nothing. Nothing. I can think of nothing remotely interesting to write about. I close up Blogger. I think I should work on one of my books. No, I am not feeling it today. Maybe I should work on a painting. No, I am not in the right mood. I open up Blogger again. I stare at the big open space where words should be spilling out onto the screen. Again, nothing. I close up Blogger again. I check my email once more, laugh at a few jokes and call it a day.
What is different about today, you ask? I've let myself be enlightened.